my dinner with c.h.a.d.d.

Yesterday was the first time in my life that I had ever gone to a support group of any kind.

I didn't realize how much a room full of people with ADHD would reek of volatility. There was just this feeling of impending chaos hanging in the air... as if the room was filled with hydrogen and it was just waiting for a little spark to ignite all that potential energy... kind of like the Hindenburg.

I didn't know what to expect when I got there, I was actually kind of nervous. All I knew is that there was going to be pizza. The meeting was held in a small room and had about 10-12 participants. There were men and women.. young and old.. fat and thin.. rich and poor. Everyone was an adult except this one woman brought her two kids. The woman looked like her mother must have done some seriously hard drugs during her first trimester. She was really skinny and skeletal looking with glasses, yellowish skin, and bad teeth. Her two girls looked native. One was probably about 8 and the other was no more than 2. She spent the entire meeting chasing after them.

The 8 year old had an interesting hair cut.. it was slightly undercut, longer on one side and dyed a reddish colour. She had a tomboyish demeanor.. which is apparently common in females who fall under the hyper/impulsive subtype. Her presence was felt as a blur of sound and motion that would travel around the room and bounce off the walls like a fly trapped in a jar. She was ADHD in its purest form... she encompassed all that we were and all that we were holding back.. whether it was by will.. by medication.. or both. While she ripped around at light speed, we sat (somewhat) still in our seats. At one point this little girl interrupts the volunteer lady who was speaking and hands her what looks like a piece of paper with stars and patterns drawn on it with a felt pen and then twirled into the shape of a flower. Before the lady even had a chance to really look at what was in her hand, the girl was off in a road runner like puff of smoke. I was actually impressed by the little thing that she made.. especially because it was probably concocted in a few minutes. As I was thinking this, the volunteer paused for a moment and held up the flower, "Now here's an example of the creativity of ADHD"

The rest of the group consisted of adults ranging from 20 - 65. I think there were more men than women. About half an hour in a guy wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase walks in.. he looked to about 30 years old. Surprisingly this was the only person who was late. He sat at one of the back tables and opened his laptop.

The lady sitting beside me was probably the oddest character of them all. She was in her early forties, grayish hair just below the chin, thick glasses.. and an even thicker mustache. I'm not sure why she doesn't do anything about it.. she wears glasses so I'm assuming she can see.. maybe she doesn't care? Or maybe her ADHD is so bad that she doesn't notice it when she looks in the mirror? After hearing her speak I wouldn't doubt it. She was the main source of tension in the room... she was so hypersensitive and took everything as a personal attack. She wasn't yelling or anything.. but she had such a hard time explaining what she was saying.. and when one of the volunteers or the guest speaker (Pete Quily) interrupted her to ask for clarification, she would be all snappy and be like "Can I finish!? I can't concentrate with all three of you asking me questions at the same time!" She wasn't yelling.. but she was definitely agitated. Clearly she fell into the predominantly inattentive subtype.. she spoke painfully slow and took forever to get her point across. Meanwhile, in my periphery I could see a few drumming fingers and swinging legs. As she spoke I just stared straight down at the table..trying to follow what she was saying while I lightly tapped my toes within my shoes. Not all of us were so subtle however.. the little road runner girl was poking the volunteer on the arm trying to get her attention as she listened to the slow talking mustache lady. This is the point where I felt like we were playing with matches in a dynamite shed... the hyperness of this girl was really distracting.. and I thought Miss Mustache might lose it. But the volunteer was tactful..she just stuck her hand out at the little girl and muttered 'one sec' without breaking eye contact with the mustache lady.

This made me realize that throwing a bunch of ADDers in a room together is like haphazardly mixing unknown chemicals and hoping for the best.

After some group discussion on what we want covered in future meetings, we were put into pairs and had to discuss what we thought our strengths were. This was awkward for me because I don't really know what mine are.. even though Pete stated that it's very important to recognize them if you ever want to be happy and/or find a job you like. He then did that thing where you go around and point at people and they are supposed to say a number in order to be sorted into a group. Not only was this followed by mass confusion due to forgotten numbers and just general difficulty with getting organized, but people got confused during the sorting process itself because they weren't sure which number they should say next or what exactly was even going on (by 'people' I mean myself as well).

My partner was probably the oldest guy there.. I think he said he was somewhere in his 60's. He kind of reminded me of a cross between Hannibal and Kevin Spacey's character from Seven...minus the calm demeanor. He was a wide eyed little man who rocked back and forth played with his fingers as he spoke. His eyes darted around the room and would meet mine for no longer than a second .. this is common ADHD behavior.. I do it as well. One of the things I noticed when I went on medication was that my eye movements became smoother and slower...though sometimes when my symptoms are worse they'll dart around more. If you see old video of me you'll notice the frenetic eye movements. It was strange conversing with this man because his restlessness was making me restless.. I was twisting the strap of my purse and faltering on my words because I kept losing my train of thought. This happens sometimes when I talk to people.. but seeing the behavior mirrored back to me was just odd.. I don't think we were really communicating that well.. it was like being on a phone with bad reception.

The main thing I got out of him was that he was a building manager and was into Tai Chi. When I told him I was a psychology major and that it took me 8 years to finish my bachelor's, he told me that he majored in political science and that it took him 17 years to finish his bachelor's.. he said he started his master's but eventually just gave up on it.

The mustache lady was recently diagnosed.. and I'm guessing this guy was also. I suppose in its more severe form it can be pretty damaging when ADHD has gone unrecognized for so long. This is mainly because the person develops other disorders along the way as a consequence (i.e depression, anxiety, addiction).

This meeting was good for me because besides making me think more positively about myself, it also put things in perspective. Seeing people with worse ADHD made me realize, as Matt put it later, that it was like I had cut off the end of my finger and I was going to a support group for people who had lost entire limbs. Though.. I'm betting if I weren't on medication I would be a bit sketchier.. In that video I saw of myself recently.. I was rocking back and forth and playing with my fingers while my eyes darted around the room. No wonder the doctor pegged it right away.. I never realized how bad it was.. I'm surprised none of my friends and family commented on how odd my behavior was.. but I suppose they were used to it because that's just how I always was.

I remember rocking back and forth a lot.. it was soothing.