Take It Somewhere

I feel like I've treated my life the same way I do when I have to get ready to go somewhere or finish something. I dick around until the last minute and then rush. Lately it feels like I have this giant clock above my head. Well, two clocks. One counting down to 35 and the other one counting down to 40. I feel panicked. It's like when I've left something to the last minute and now I have to really rush. I've procrastinated my entire life as a whole and now I only have about 5 years to really get my shit together.

At this point it's essentially 40 or bust. I have to cram 20 years of growth and maturity into 5 years so that I don't feel like I'm "behind" everyone else my age. If I'm still lost, broke, purposeless and single in 5 years then that’s pretty much it for me. My life will be half over by that point and I will have pressed the snooze button for too long and will have missed most of life’s key milestones. At 40, things like kids become a ‘now or never’ situation. Being entry-level at 40 means that I’ll be overlooked for younger people with faster minds, brighter smiles and tighter bodies. At 40 I won’t be able be to say, “Hey at least guys find me attractive” as a way to validate myself.

Things like not being able to plan meals or manage your finances are somewhat acceptable in your 20’s, funny but a little sad in your 30’s... but just tragic in your 40’s. At this point it’s literally do or die. If I don't end up committing suicide in my late 40's or early 50's then I will probably just die from poor health due to the physiological effects of depression (and alcoholism). Years of regret, self-loathing, and loneliness are not exactly good for you.

Since death is not optional, I might as well give the rest of my life a shot. We all end up in the same place and in the grand scheme of things, all of our lives are meaningless. In some ways life is just like a movie. You have to suspend your disbelief and buy into the bullshit to get any enjoyment out of it. We're just a bunch of horny, hairless primates struggling to find a way to put to use the excessive convolutions in our cerebral cortex. In the process, we've fucked over all the other species on the planet.. but anyway.. I digress. My point is, fuck it.. I'll bite. I'll participate in this whole life thing and try and make the most of what time I have left by contributing and becoming a productive member of society instead of avoiding everything that requires self-discipline, persistence, and commitment.

I suppose this is something that most people realize in adolescence. However, regardless of what I've done or not done in the past, all I can do at this point is move forward. I may have delayed getting ready for the party but I can still slap on some makeup and rush out the door.

I'm not behind in life. I'm just fashionably late.