Confessions of a Dysthymic Potter Geek...the unedited version

I have nothing new or interesting to say.. my job is pretty tolerable and stimulating... I'm ..uh.. in love... I guess you could say I'm... happy. It's just odd that with happiness comes a lack of creativity... or a lack of a reason to write. So I figure I'm just gonna post some old stuff... especially because this is something I wrote just over a year ago.. and it really just sums up how everything kind of came crashing down last summer... that feeling that something was rising to the surface...and that some kind of change was imminent..I even met Matt 4 days later on the 18th.

I just think it's interesting because now I'm in a totally opposite state of mind..and the things I mention about what's lacking in my life, I now have.

I posted this on myspace shortly after I wrote it, but I took out a bunch of stuff...so here is the original...

Confessions of a Dysthymic Potter Geek

I feel like this summer has really pushed me further into my depression.... though I still ask myself.. am I depressed? I know that if I had a social life, knew how to drive, had a boyfriend, maybe learned how to cook... had a good job... didn't hang out with my parents all the time... if all these things were fixed....then I probably wouldn't be depressed... the thing is... is that all these things require effort.. and the reason i think i'm depressed is probably because i don't have the energy to put in the effort for these things.... they seem daunting and scary... i feel paranoid.... like every time i walk around on the street people are judging me.... i feel horribly self conscious in most social situations... i feel like i can hear what people are thinking about me... and i'm aware of it in such a way that a person is aware of the scratchiness of a wool sweater...every time you move you feel the scraping of fabric against your skin so you just don't want to move anymore...

The Pattern

I try and think back to when it all started... and i can't really put my finger on it.... it just seems that I am always depressed for some reason or another... when i went back to school i felt like i was productive and busy....and it felt good... though i still didn't have much of a social life outside of my roommates... but i was happy hanging out with them... it was something new... I'm pretty sure i wasn't depressed because Naomi was depressed and i remember thinking that i felt fine... i would party on the weekend and regret it later... but that was really the only thing that ever brought me down... i developed a crush on one of my roommates.... it started becoming a bit obsessive... but i didn't know what to do about it... i feel horribly uncomfortable around the opposite sex.... and i knew that we didn't actually have anything in common....he was way too immature and simple minded... it was just a proximity infatuation.... and it occupied my mind in times of boredom...

after moving into this place i started doing more drugs.... tried cocaine and ketamine... i rather enjoyed ketamine at the time... i would go and party with these people....some roommates and their friends... we would stay out until day break... at which point i would start feeling ill.... and this illness wasn't just induced by the drugs and alcohol being metabolized in my body..... though that does have a lot to do with it.... because as soon as my mind would become clear... i would start feeling so bored.... people think boredom is just some mundane feeling... more like an annoyance... but it isn't... it's so much more than that... its painful... i think its the worst feeling ever imaginable.... i would look around the room and realize that these people were extremely boring.. i had nothing in common with them... and i didn't really much care for their existence in general... so i would sit there... stuck in this apartment filled with cigarette smoke coming down of shitty drugs listening to pointless conversation wishing i were at home.... this happened on many occasions... and more and more i became aware of the pattern... i would get very drunk very fast....i would totally lose myself... i would become a completely different person just so i could enjoy the company of these people whom i depended on for a social life.... after a while i realized that there is no point of even going out anymore....because i don't want to get stuck in some apartment....

so i stopped going out with Christy... i would just hang out with her on random occasions... and then one day..,. i saw here true colours and just decided that i despised her... but i still hung out with her and got drunk....because i liked her when i was drunk..... i started drinking quite often.... i was drunk for most of the month of may.... but i was exercising a lot.... i really wanted to lose weight for Toronto.... so in general i felt happy... because even though i was becoming an alcoholic to fill the void... i was losing weight... so something good was still happening.....

my crush on the roommate was starting to become grating.... i knew it was pointless... and i think that was the main reason it was driving me crazy...i just couldn't stop thinking about him... though it would wear off when i didn't see him for a few days... so it was totally related to proximity.... so i was just in this pattern... of drink, exercise, and obsess.... i would sometimes have drunk crying fits when i was with my mom... i usually have them alone.... but it had gotten so bad that i started having them with my mom present....

then finally.... sometime near the end of June... Christy said something about the roommie that i liked that upset me..she said he was interested in another girl...i think i had had a few drinks.... it was over msn... so no one saw.... but i cried my eyes out for the longest time... the next morning i found out one of my favourite professors at school died... so i cried some more... and then the bitterness just set in... i started feeling like i wasn't losing weight because of the drinking.... so i was just like...fuck it... i need to cut out the drinking... because this pattern isn't getting me anywhere...

after i cut out the booze... i realized that i don't really have much in common with the friends that i do have.,..not the roommies....but my real friends that i see on occasion ..... i just want to shut everyone away... and be alone... i figure i'm just going to face whatever it is i am trying to escape.... i'm going to sober up and deal with it... and the first realization is that i don't really want to be around people... ok that’s a start.....

Addiction Transfer

and so i begin the harry potter series all over again in preparation for the 5th movie and 7th book... I feel July will be great... I had started the philosophers stone on the way to the dentist on june 27.... after my revelation of sobering up and becoming a hermit...which was right around canada day... i decided to just immerse myself in the book.... i thought it would be such a chore to try and read the whole series over again.... but i shortly realized that it was the other way around.... it was a chore to do anything besides read harry potter.... as i delved into the second book... i felt all my troubles and cares melt away... i didn't drink.. i didn't exercise.... i didn't' sleep... all i wanted to do was read harry potter.... i just wanted to read it forever.... it didn't matter that i had no life...nothing mattered... not even making money... it felt like all the other obsessions throughout my childhood.... from vampires to the little mermaid to burning things to marilyn manson.... it was one in the same... it replaced any other thought that i had about anything else that i ever used to think about...

then one day before the harry potter marathon... i had drinks with the roommates... though i didn't let myself get very drunk... all i could think of was reading harry potter..... but i hung out with them anyway.... and it drove home the feeling of boredom even more....being pretty much sober i realized that hanging out with the roommates was totally pointless... Christy had nothing interesting to say.... and the crush on the roommate evaporated....the spell was broken.... the pattern changed for good.... i was done.... the new plan was set in motion

so the harry potter marathon and the new movie and the reading all kept me in a sort of manic state that felt neither good nor bad... it just felt... necessary... i had to keep reading.... it was all i cared about.... the only purpose i felt my life had at that point....i was dreading the 7th book coming out because then i wouldn't know what to do with myself after i finished it.... i had started a new pattern of little sleep and lots of reading... and i didn't know what to do when i was done reading... there was a point in between the 6th and 7th book where all i did was read anything on the internet that had to do with harry potter... i would stay up till 3 am at least... just like i did when i was reading... and then.... once the 7th book came out... there was bitter sweet relief... but that ended as soon as i was done.... so i just continued with reading things on the internet to compensate for the withdrawal that i was feeling.... and it was intense... i felt so despondent and bored...and bitter.... though i managed to keep the pattern of staying up really late reading harry potter related articles and forums..... and then... i became hooked on a fanfiction story that almost fully satisfied my need..... i would read that late into the night.... i started becoming zombielike from the lack of sleep and healthy food... i would barely exercise.... i just didn't care about weight loss anymore....

When the 7th month dies

then one night.. i decided to drink a little rum and finish off the last few chapters of that fanfiction story... i went to bed sometime after 3 as usual... though this time i had to wake up to meet with someone in a lab to watch her inject baby rats and talk about volunteer work.... i woke up at 9:30 feeling extremely nauseous.... and thirsty... my urine was the colour of the rum i drank.... i felt pretty bad considering that i only had a few sips from that micky.... i went on... feeling slightly ill... i got to the lab...changed into scrubs.... and proceeded to watch the baby rats.... the place had a very hospital like feel to it... everything was sterile and chrome... the room where the rats were kept had a sickly smell.. all of this wasn't helping the nausea... then suddenly i was overcome by a wave of thirst... i felt like i would die if i didn't drink some water.....i looked around and didn't see anything except a tap at the other end of the room.... then i felt dizzy and more queasy... so i sit down on a chrome chair with my head in my hands.... I hear a rush of voices sing in the distance... i'm dreaming again.... but now i am waking up.... i open my eyes and see white with specks of red....i'm on the floor.....but what floor?... where am i?... why am i bleeding?... i think that i am dying.... and then it all comes back to me and i realize that i just fainted.... i am carted off to the school clinic...administered some tests... and sent home..... i drink a lot of water... my nose is bruised... i find out that i got this apartment that i wanted..... but instead of feeling happy i feel scared because of the change.... i order pizza and cinnamon sticks to quell the painful void and the feeling that my life is spinning out of control....happy birthday harry potter



It's August, I go to Toronto... i have fun because it distracts me.... i decide to go to shambhala... even though i had previously decided against it because i had no money and realized i didn't like Christy.... but i felt like all i was doing was hanging out with my parents... and i thought it might be healthy to be with people my own age... i do a lot of drugs.. even though i don't really have the urge to... but i feel like it helps me cope... i realize once i'm there that i don't want to be there... i am thoroughly bored with the people i am with because none of them are actually my friends... and once again... i cannot relate to them or have anything in common with them.... i realize that at least if i am high and drunk then i have a few hours of being happy...even though i pay the price of feeling the opposite when i come down... though it still seems better than a steady stream of boredom.... the first night i laid there in my tent coming down of a mixture of cocaine, mushrooms, ephedra, ketamine, and alcohol...... i felt trapped... i had no contact with the outside world....i felt so alone that it was suffocating... i felt like i would die from the pain i felt... i just couldn't take it.... and then... i guess i must have fallen asleep.... but some time later i opened my eyes and i panicked.... i didn't know where i was....and then it slowly came back... Christy... i was with Christy... but what was i doing with her? .... i was at shambhala.... and then it all came back... i wonder if i had fainted again....

the next day i have a fun time at the river...doing a mixture of the same drugs.. though this time i eat a huge mushroom cap... i feel really good... i feel the vibe all around me... i have this hippy moment where i feel connected with the world and i just want to let go of all my inhibitions... i analyze everyone... i realize that i'm really smart and that i should become a writer...this realization happens often when i'm really high.... though what the hell i should write about is beyond me... i sit in a purple porto potty... and the walls are a stream of colour and i think of that picture of Albert Hoffman sitting in his house overlooking a cliff.. and the walls are psychedelic as well as the sky.... that’s how i feel in the porto potty.... i feel like him...overlooking the world... i feel totally alive and one with the universe all vibrating... and just..being....i am so aware of how alive i am... when i sit by the river i see the sky and trees melting together... this is it...the trip i always wanted.... i had always planned to take a big mushroom trip like this.... though i don't think it was the right day for it....

"The acid had shifted gears on him; the next phase would probably be one of those hellishly intense introspective nightmares. Four hours or so of catatonic despair" - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I started coming down... and i felt a bit panicky and sick... i felt like i was trapped in my body.... like it was some empty vessel floating away in space and all i could do was silently scream as everyone around me talked and had fun.... i was hugging this 2 litre bottle of soda water because i felt dehydrated and was scared i might faint again.... i sat in the chair not talking for about 2 hours.... i kept feeling dizzy and a bit nauseous.... i thought of maybe just puking into the river.... but it would be so gross... it was a shallow slow moving river.... and there were people sitting in it.... i knew i didn't feel able enough to move somewhere else to puke..... i just continued to sit there.... i was glad about the sunglasses and hat because i felt my eyes rolling to the back of my head... and i didn't want to scare anyone.... i felt like i was going to faint.... but i just kept drinking the soda water... eventually i had come down enough to start being a bit social again... but it was a such a facade... more so than when i was sober.... walking back to the campsite... all i wanted to do was go home.... i felt so homesick... like a kid at summer camp..... all i could think of was my mom... i kept getting flashbacks of Toronto... wishing i was there again....with my family...with my mom... i got into my tent and just curled up and hugged my hello kitty pillow... i just silently cried for about 45 minutes... i finally felt numb.... so i went back out and was a bit social again.... like the night before i went to bed early... though this time i didn't get up and wander around alone like i did the first night. the last day i hung out at the river again.. i didn't do as many drugs... i did drink a bit... i slept for a bit... and then i went out at night alone... and had fun....

and now we come to today.... August 14th 2007... it's been one year exactly since i've had sex.... its 2pm.. i'm still in my pajamas.... i have a bunch of things i need to get done but don't see how i will actually end up doing any of them.... i still haven't eaten anything yet.... there are 2 weeks left of summer... i feel it all coming to an end.... but an end usually means a beginning of something new... i'm almost finished "prozac nation" ...its already overdue... at first i didn't think i related to elizabeth wurtzel... but as i read on i saw quite a bit of similarities in the thinking patterns.... and it makes me wonder... what do i do at this point... see a counsellor? try and get some medication? maybe i should just try and get a life first... maybe that will help... but with life comes certain events that require coping.... with life comes dealing with people... but how do you deal with people when you feel like the dirt on their shoe? when all you want to do is hide in your room and read harry potter fanfiction and eat pizza..... my self esteem is non-existent... the thought of meeting a guy is something completely from a different world... i almost feel like a child.... like when i grow up i will meet guys... when i grow up i will learn to drive, to cook, to have a life..... when i grow up....when i start school....when i finish school...when i'm 27.....when i'm 30....when i'm 45...

when i'm dead

I stole a work from fork today

I'm supposed to be starting on a paper right now.

I know that before I had too much time on my hands and that I had no structure or schedule... and that it was driving me crazy.. but..

I'm feeling kind of bitter... like I have no free time left.. I need to be asleep in less than 4 hours.. but I feel like I just got home from work.

It feels like that bladder infection is coming back.

I don't hate my job... but I don't love it either.. I feel numb to it.. I feel like I'm just surrendering and giving in to the endless cycle of work/weekend/work/weekend... and just so that I can barely afford to live in my apartment and pay my bills.. and then when my student loan payments come around it will feel even more pointless as I continue through the work/weekend cycle just so that I can pay off the interest of a $30,000 loan that mainly got used for 5 years of living a comfortable life without having to work.

I just took some Ritalin... I took a whole pill.. usually I break them in half.. but I think I'm getting used to it... so I might have to up the dose a bit (that's actually normal though.. part of stimulant treatment is to start very low and then up the dose to an adequate level).

Part of my dysphoric apathy is probably also because of the Ritalin... but the Ritalin helps me with work... it makes me more tolerant of stress and boredom.. and I feel emotionally numb when it comes to dealing with customers.. which is great and helps me do the job a lot better.

..I'm thinking some Dexedrine would be beneficial for some tasks... like with detail oriented stuff.. all in all Ritalin calms me down and makes me feel numb more than it helps me focus... but Dexedrine is very good at helping with details... I know it did wonders with my arithmetic.

I'm going to have to type up the 'caring for your home' section of the Homebook for one of the buildings tomorrow (or soon anyway)... it's basically filling in the specifications of the suite.. like the colour code for paint and stuff... and there are all these confusing notes scribbled all over the printed out copy I'm supposed to edit. Dexedrine would help a lot in this situation.. but the only problem is that it takes 1.5 hours to kick in.. so I'd have to know in advance exactly when I'm doing it.

Oh well.. I know that getting regular sleep and stuff will also help.. and upping my omega 3's.

I just feel like I have no creativity in me.. like my soul is slowly being sucked out... I feel like I'm just accepting that my life.. for the most part.. is going to be quite boring... and it's a huge up hill battle to get out of debt. I feel like I'm going to start drinking more...

When I was in school I would walk out of class energized and my mind would be rapidly swirling with all these thoughts and ideas...

Now it feels like it's settling.. and not moving at all.. it's like a soup skin is developing... and all the substance is sinking to the bottom.. until everything just below the surface ends up watery and flavourless.

I feel like I'm being repressed somehow.. like my inner self is just being stepped on and buried away... as cliche as this sounds...and as much as it has probably been said over a million times in reference to any kind of 9-5 job... but... it feels like I'm turning into an automaton.

The only thing is... is that I can feel this sort of rebellious part of me stirring... the same part that got me in trouble all through my childhood.

At least I still feel impervious to depression... I don't get those negative thought spirals that I used to get... Even Ritalin doesn't make me depressed like it used to.. though it never made me depressed... it just made me feel all flat...and in turn that would make me depressed because I didn't feel like myself. Now it's like I still get the flat feeling a bit... but it doesn't make me depressed.

If my mood starts to dip it just bounces back to normal... like I have this safety net that protects me from crashing to the ground. The only thing that makes me feel like crap is after a night of heavy drinking... that's the only time I feel depressed... so I haven't gotten wasted in a while.. I still drink.. but I haven't gotten falling down drunk in almost a month I think.

I can now see why 300mg of Wellbutrin is the therapeutic dose for depression.. and that the 150mg wasn't fully doing it... though it took about 3 months after upping the dose to take effect. A part of that is just life changes too I guess.. but some time during my job search... I just snapped out of my hopelessness and got that weird bouncing back feeling. About a week before my birthday...it was a Friday... I think it was the 16th (2 months ago exactly)... I just felt so suicidal that I even considered calling someone or going to the hospital or something while I still had enough control because I felt myself dipping so low..that I thought that I might reach some point of no return or something... but then I had some drinks and it made me snap out of it.

This Ritalin hasn't done anything except make me a bit sleepy.

I spoke with Matt earlier... he always has vivid dreams with a clear storyline. He said that last night he dreamt that he went bald and that I cheated on him...I was just dating some other guy and I was making out with him in front of Matt while we were hanging out in his parents backyard. I don't know if it's because I took psychology or just because I think in metaphors a lot.. but I feel like I'm pretty good at decoding the symbolism in dreams..

(wow I feel a lot better now that I ate something.... god I have to stop forgetting to eat..I always get this blah feeling..usually after work... and then much later I eat and I feel better... I swear there are times when I don't interpret the feeling as hunger...but as just this stomach achy/depressed/lethargic/irritable/flat feeling.. obviously this has a lot to do with taking stimulants...wellbutrin included.. but I think a lot of it is also because I don't emotionally binge eat anymore..and since I hate cooking.. I avoid having to prepare food for myself as long as possible. I still get hungry though.. but when I add something like Ritalin in the mix it numbs out the hunger signals... which obviously I'm not complaining about... but I don't want to just not eat... and I always have nuts or fruit or something at my desk because I don't like to go too long without eating... sometimes it's temping to lose weight 1998 style... but I know it doesn't work... At this point I'm just using the lack of hunger as will power to avoid eating excessive junk food... because I don't want to balloon due to sitting on my ass for about 45 hours a week. I'm vowing to at least go for a walk or something once a day.. I didn't today because I have homework.. which I still haven't started.)

Anyway that tangent went a little further than I thought it would (surprise! surprise! (hey that was also the name of this book that my reading group had to read in Mrs. Tepperman's class when I was in grade 1... "Surprise! Surprise!" they were these little stories or something to help you read... there were about 4 or 5 groups in the class... the "Surprise! Surprise!" group was I think the second to lowest one in difficulty.. or maybe lowest.. I can't remember... it mainly had some Jamaican kids who didn't speak English or other foreigners.. and then I guess less intelligent Canadians... I was even a year older than everyone because I was held back.. but my reading level was lower than most people younger than me... I guess it's also because I had just come out of French immersion.... I was always really good at math though.. we would have these daily quizzes that were out of 10.. and I almost always got 10 out of 10..she would read out everyones answers...hehe..I guess confidentiality wasn't a luxury afforded to 1st graders. It was also in Mrs. Tepperman's class that I discovered that I liked writing. We would have these little journals that we would write a few sentences in every day... I might have read slow and had handwriting like a 3 year old.. but my imagination worked just fine. Apparently when I was 2 I would "read" books to myself.. I would just open the book and make up a story about the pictures... I would sit there absorbed in the book talking to myself in Hungarian..I know this because I've heard it on tape... and was also told. Also when you grow up without siblings you tend to only have your imagination as a companion. ))

..so when Matt tells me the dreams he has it's like an open door to all his unconscious thoughts/worries.. though a lot of the time he dreams about super heroes and politicians.. but then every once in a while he'll tell me about a dream like the one I mentioned above.. and that's openly displaying an insecurity.. even though there wasn't much symbolism in this one.. it was a pretty obvious insecure dream any man would have.. but I think there is some symbolism in the part about being in his parents backyard.. and the fact that I was so openly hurting him.. he said that in the dream he had asked me and the guy to stop making out in front of him.

I think this was probably influenced by the fact that yesterday..after coming back from his friend Garrett's place..(Garrett and his girlfriend got recently engaged...and he travels a lot for work so he's gone for months at a time and then comes back for like a week or two).. I said to Matt.. "I don't know how Natalie does it.. how can she go without sex for so long... if I was in that situation I would probably fuck someone while drunk within the first month." Now.. I know I probably wouldn't.. I think I mainly said it to keep him on his toes.. or to maybe push him away? ...I don't know why I said it... I guess I said it in a "I don't need you" sort of joking way.. he laughed in response and said "good to know". Maybe it resonated with him a bit.. though I think he sometimes thinks my impulsiveness would take over and I would cheat on him while drunk or something. I know he was paranoid one night when I hung out with Jen and spent the night at her house..this was months ago... but in the morning he phoned Jen and was like "Did Jade come home with you last night?" and apparently he demanded more than asked... but tried to act calm. Honestly.. there was a night.. it was actually his birthday... he was still at work.. and I was on the beach with a group of people because it was a birthday party for some of Jen's friends... and there was this guy there that I was talking with.. he was 6'2..I think like 28.. darkish hair.. kind of quiet.. had a slight Jesseness about him (it turns out he's an artist).. but yeah we talked and stuff... he said he worked at Ebay... anyway.. I was drunk and I was attracted to him.. it's bad because there is a photo of him and me on facebook from that night and I'm kind of leaning close to him as we were sitting on a log together.. I'm not tagged in it.. but Matt could still see it if someone else he knows is tagged in the album.. I don't think there is though. It's not even that bad of a pic.. I think I just feel guilty because I felt attracted to the guy.. and it felt like I could just live in the moment and do anything... I was just hoping Matt would get there soon because I was afraid if he didn't that I would do something with this guy. Though I did mention my boyfriend in a few conversations with him.. so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have done anything. And the attraction was purely a physical one... I don't think I could date another shy artist type again... too boring. I like that Matt is social. This guy walked around like a ghost not saying anything.. at one point I was just like... "who are you?!" because I thought maybe I was the only person who could see him or something... like he was just this entity following us around. It was very much like when I first met Jesse.. so yeah.. not very appealing.. but I guess I was still attracted to him in my drunken state.

Then I saw Matt coming towards us on the beach.. and as soon as he was close and I gave him a hug I forgot that the guy, Zack, even existed. Even just the smell of Matt nearby was intoxicating and once again it was as if we were the only people on the entire beach. Every time we hang out with other people at parties or at a bar or something we end up just talking to each other.. it's like we find each other the most interesting to talk to.. even though we see each other more than we see other people. I don't even remember the conversation with that Zack guy to be very interesting.. I think I was just physically attracted to him... he was just very typically my type.

As you could tell the Ritalin did end up kicking in... it is now wearing off.. and my thoughts are not nearly as linear as they were earlier.... even though they appear all over the place.. they were still organized... one thought was on hold while the other would take over.. but the other one was still there... blinking away like an LED on a busy switchboard. Now I have a harder time getting my thoughts out.. I pause in between sentences a lot more. That's why I liked Ritalin in high school.. I felt like I could write on it.. like I had a lot of ideas and I could focus my energy on getting them all on paper. Though I would like to think my Ritalin induced writing isn't as bad as Elizabeth Wurtzel's in that book "Bitch". I couldn't even get through the first chapter because it was just a bunch of rambling run on sentences with a lot of exclamation marks. She was crushing and snorting about 10 pills a day. I read the book that is about her abusing Ritalin while she wrote "Bitch". It's just odd that even after editing that it was that bad.. I could only imagine what kind of tripe her editor had to sift through to find something somewhat publishable.. it got bad reviews too. Though in general I like her writing style.

I started this entry around 7pm and now it's almost 10pm.

I feel like I've broken through the skin and stirred up the soup a bit.

my dinner with c.h.a.d.d.

Yesterday was the first time in my life that I had ever gone to a support group of any kind.

I didn't realize how much a room full of people with ADHD would reek of volatility. There was just this feeling of impending chaos hanging in the air... as if the room was filled with hydrogen and it was just waiting for a little spark to ignite all that potential energy... kind of like the Hindenburg.

I didn't know what to expect when I got there, I was actually kind of nervous. All I knew is that there was going to be pizza. The meeting was held in a small room and had about 10-12 participants. There were men and women.. young and old.. fat and thin.. rich and poor. Everyone was an adult except this one woman brought her two kids. The woman looked like her mother must have done some seriously hard drugs during her first trimester. She was really skinny and skeletal looking with glasses, yellowish skin, and bad teeth. Her two girls looked native. One was probably about 8 and the other was no more than 2. She spent the entire meeting chasing after them.

The 8 year old had an interesting hair cut.. it was slightly undercut, longer on one side and dyed a reddish colour. She had a tomboyish demeanor.. which is apparently common in females who fall under the hyper/impulsive subtype. Her presence was felt as a blur of sound and motion that would travel around the room and bounce off the walls like a fly trapped in a jar. She was ADHD in its purest form... she encompassed all that we were and all that we were holding back.. whether it was by will.. by medication.. or both. While she ripped around at light speed, we sat (somewhat) still in our seats. At one point this little girl interrupts the volunteer lady who was speaking and hands her what looks like a piece of paper with stars and patterns drawn on it with a felt pen and then twirled into the shape of a flower. Before the lady even had a chance to really look at what was in her hand, the girl was off in a road runner like puff of smoke. I was actually impressed by the little thing that she made.. especially because it was probably concocted in a few minutes. As I was thinking this, the volunteer paused for a moment and held up the flower, "Now here's an example of the creativity of ADHD"

The rest of the group consisted of adults ranging from 20 - 65. I think there were more men than women. About half an hour in a guy wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase walks in.. he looked to about 30 years old. Surprisingly this was the only person who was late. He sat at one of the back tables and opened his laptop.

The lady sitting beside me was probably the oddest character of them all. She was in her early forties, grayish hair just below the chin, thick glasses.. and an even thicker mustache. I'm not sure why she doesn't do anything about it.. she wears glasses so I'm assuming she can see.. maybe she doesn't care? Or maybe her ADHD is so bad that she doesn't notice it when she looks in the mirror? After hearing her speak I wouldn't doubt it. She was the main source of tension in the room... she was so hypersensitive and took everything as a personal attack. She wasn't yelling or anything.. but she had such a hard time explaining what she was saying.. and when one of the volunteers or the guest speaker (Pete Quily) interrupted her to ask for clarification, she would be all snappy and be like "Can I finish!? I can't concentrate with all three of you asking me questions at the same time!" She wasn't yelling.. but she was definitely agitated. Clearly she fell into the predominantly inattentive subtype.. she spoke painfully slow and took forever to get her point across. Meanwhile, in my periphery I could see a few drumming fingers and swinging legs. As she spoke I just stared straight down at the table..trying to follow what she was saying while I lightly tapped my toes within my shoes. Not all of us were so subtle however.. the little road runner girl was poking the volunteer on the arm trying to get her attention as she listened to the slow talking mustache lady. This is the point where I felt like we were playing with matches in a dynamite shed... the hyperness of this girl was really distracting.. and I thought Miss Mustache might lose it. But the volunteer was tactful..she just stuck her hand out at the little girl and muttered 'one sec' without breaking eye contact with the mustache lady.

This made me realize that throwing a bunch of ADDers in a room together is like haphazardly mixing unknown chemicals and hoping for the best.

After some group discussion on what we want covered in future meetings, we were put into pairs and had to discuss what we thought our strengths were. This was awkward for me because I don't really know what mine are.. even though Pete stated that it's very important to recognize them if you ever want to be happy and/or find a job you like. He then did that thing where you go around and point at people and they are supposed to say a number in order to be sorted into a group. Not only was this followed by mass confusion due to forgotten numbers and just general difficulty with getting organized, but people got confused during the sorting process itself because they weren't sure which number they should say next or what exactly was even going on (by 'people' I mean myself as well).

My partner was probably the oldest guy there.. I think he said he was somewhere in his 60's. He kind of reminded me of a cross between Hannibal and Kevin Spacey's character from Seven...minus the calm demeanor. He was a wide eyed little man who rocked back and forth played with his fingers as he spoke. His eyes darted around the room and would meet mine for no longer than a second .. this is common ADHD behavior.. I do it as well. One of the things I noticed when I went on medication was that my eye movements became smoother and slower...though sometimes when my symptoms are worse they'll dart around more. If you see old video of me you'll notice the frenetic eye movements. It was strange conversing with this man because his restlessness was making me restless.. I was twisting the strap of my purse and faltering on my words because I kept losing my train of thought. This happens sometimes when I talk to people.. but seeing the behavior mirrored back to me was just odd.. I don't think we were really communicating that well.. it was like being on a phone with bad reception.

The main thing I got out of him was that he was a building manager and was into Tai Chi. When I told him I was a psychology major and that it took me 8 years to finish my bachelor's, he told me that he majored in political science and that it took him 17 years to finish his bachelor's.. he said he started his master's but eventually just gave up on it.

The mustache lady was recently diagnosed.. and I'm guessing this guy was also. I suppose in its more severe form it can be pretty damaging when ADHD has gone unrecognized for so long. This is mainly because the person develops other disorders along the way as a consequence (i.e depression, anxiety, addiction).

This meeting was good for me because besides making me think more positively about myself, it also put things in perspective. Seeing people with worse ADHD made me realize, as Matt put it later, that it was like I had cut off the end of my finger and I was going to a support group for people who had lost entire limbs. Though.. I'm betting if I weren't on medication I would be a bit sketchier.. In that video I saw of myself recently.. I was rocking back and forth and playing with my fingers while my eyes darted around the room. No wonder the doctor pegged it right away.. I never realized how bad it was.. I'm surprised none of my friends and family commented on how odd my behavior was.. but I suppose they were used to it because that's just how I always was.

I remember rocking back and forth a lot.. it was soothing.