Rising Above

I’m kind of at a crossroads. Should I just get a random job and focus on storm chasing? Or should I focus on contributing something to science? It seems like a recurring theme, especially in the last three years, has been wanting to go to grad school to study neuroscience or pharmacology. I keep coming to this conclusion and then getting distracted by something. Whether it’s a relationship, vacation or new obsession. It always comes back to this though. I was at this point three years ago.. but I was absorbed with Zeus and partying and then went on a trip to Mexico and then more partying and then I was off work and still more partying and then I thought I wanted to get into videography, then I booked my storm chasing trip, then I got another IT job, broke up with Zeus, decided I wanted to contribute to science and go to grad school, started upgrading some science courses, got distracted with Zeus and partying again and moving back home. Then I actually went storm chasing. Got off drugs, became obsessed with storm chasing and spent a whole year preparing for that trip as if it was my sole purpose in life. Then I broke my ankle, decided to get into post production, quit drinking, and then quit school. And now I feel like I’m back to where I was two years ago. I'm left wondering if the past two years was just a huge distraction. I guess it was more of a necessary detour. I've improved so much in the last two years. I guess it truly is a winding road.

In some ways I feel like I’ve known all along what I’ve wanted to do.. but something always distracted or discouraged me. Especially with a complicated multi-step goal like grad school, it’s super hard to follow through. And it was impossible when I was constantly drinking and partying and in dire need of therapy and guidance. I can clearly see my ADHD patterns now.

Eventually, I have to pick something and stick with it. Because picking nothing is still a choice. I don’t know exactly what I want to do.. but I feel like, before I die, I want to contribute something to science. I want my name on a peer reviewed study. I want to die knowing that I contributed something to the scientific community. I don’t care about making babies or getting married. None of that shit matters. Science is the only thing moving humanity forward. I feel like I can offer more to the world than merely just adding more people to it. I’d rather immortalize my name than my genes. My brother already had two kids. My genes will be passed down in some form or another. But at the end of the day, that doesn't even matter. Passing on genes is just a biological instinct that can be overcome, like the urge to rape people or wanting to take a shit on the floor. 

I love storm chasing. However, I can't derive a deeper purpose as far as making the world a better place with it (or an income). I've realized that storm chasing and nature/weather photography is something I do for myself to feel at peace and feel connected. It's a true hobby. In some ways, it's almost a "spiritual" thing where I need to do it to feel balanced, alive, and present. I also enjoy the sense of community with other chasers and the adventure.  

Storm chasing is what I'm taking in from the world. Devoting myself to science is a way for me to give back.

Every Snowflake Melts

I never had any responsibilities as a kid. I wasn’t forced to eat vegetables or made to do chores or follow any rules. I didn’t play any sports or take any lessons in anything. No extracurricular activities. I just went to school and during my spare time I watched a lot of TV, played with toys alone or occasionally played outside with other kids. My mom used to clean my room for me. Up until age 12 or so, she picked out my clothes for me every morning so I didn’t have think about it. If I wanted something, then my parents (usually my dad) just bought it for me. They would get into fights because my dad just gave in to every demand for toys or junk food and my mom would attempt to instill some limits. My dad had no patience for my tantrums. One time I wanted a soft drink and my mom said no but my dad said yes and they got into this huge fight. I remember when we got home, still being in the car, the window open a crack and my mom saying, “Fine, you just take the kid then.” And then I lived with my dad and grandma for a few months. I didn’t see my mom at all during that time. I remember missing her.

“God is in the TV” – Marilyn Manson

I remember being around 5 or so and watching my grandma do the dishes and wanting to help her and she didn’t let me. I wanted to help cook too. I remember wanting to contribute and feel useful. I think that's a natural human urge, to feel like you matter and that you are competent. I think it helps with feeling of validity. I was just there. I was fed and looked after like a pet, but I wasn’t “raised” in any real sense. Eventually I just got used to watching other people do things but not being an active participant. I never acquired any skills or had any hobbies. I just watched TV or was off in my own world. I watched so much TV that it wasn’t until I was around 10 that I realized that TV was inspired by life and not the other way around. I thought the purpose of life was to mimic what happens on television. 

I didn’t like school. Besides being constantly picked on, any sort of responsibility or “work” became a negative thing in my mind. I’m not sure if this is an only-child related syndrome, but I came to believe that I was somehow special and that the world revolved around me. It didn’t help that my dad indulged my every want and need while also filling my head with delusions of winning the lottery. We would routinely drive through this super affluent neighborhood in Toronto (The Bridal Path) and talk about which house we would buy. When you’re 10 years old, you don’t know anything about the slim chances of actually winning. I also didn’t know that my dad was constantly on drugs and had a gambling problem. I thought we were special. I thought I was special. We were going to win. We talked about having a swimming pool in every room and what colours we’d paint the walls. I may have stopped believing in Santa Clause by age 7 and never believed in the Tooth Fairy, but I had my share of childhood delusions.

I never felt productive or useful as a child so I never developed a sense of self-efficacy. When I took child development courses while studying psychology, it really drove home the fact that I missed out on a lot of key components of what made up a healthy childhood. Self-efficacy was the biggest one. As far as childhoods go, I wasn't abused, I wasn't starved and I had a roof over my head. If anything, I was just very emotionally neglected. I had no discipline or structure. Among the four parenting styles, my parents were definitely the Lax/Permissive style.

“You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.” -Fight Club

Day 1/365

December 31st, 2015

12/31, 10:40pm
So. I got really drunk. Did a couple lines of coke. Felt amazing. Then really wanted to die. Now I'm done and I just want to go home. I think I'm leaving soon. I hate everyone and everything.

12/31, 10:40pm
Wow. What a flip.

12/31, 10:41pm
Yeah.

I hate this fucking music. I'm so sick of this death metal garbage.

I already barfed a little in the bathroom earlier.

I just grabbed the rest of my sparkling wine and put it in my bag.

12/31, 10:42pm
Sounds like you overdid it too early.

12/31, 10:42pm
I kind of feel like leaving
I'm going to spend midnight on the fucking subway
It's fitting. My year was shit anyway

12/31, 10:43pm
Walk over to Nathan Phillips Square.
Get some fresh air.

12/31, 10:44pm
I suppose that's the plan. I guess I'll wait until we do that.
I just have no urge to be social.
I just feel like ringing in the new year alone. I hate everyone.
Garbage in, garbage out. That's literally the product of my parents.
Doing coke when you are depressed is literally the best/worst idea ever.

January 1st, 2016

1/1, 1:28am
I went to Nathan Phillips Square. It was okay. I don't know. I kind of feel like this whole NYE thing is a bunch of over-rated crap. I totally thought I had chemistry with Ryan's friend Allen. Nope.. I was just high. He had drugs. I knew he had drugs. I went up to him and asked him for drugs. We went into the bathroom and did drugs. Twice. Then we had good conversation.

I totally feel like I just relapsed into two years ago. I really felt like I had changed. I guess I haven't. Some people are just born shit and they die shit. I guess I just need to accept that and stop fighting it.

1/1, 10:27am
The walls are bending all over the place I'm so fucked up and dizzy. I feel like a splattered shit stain. I can't tell if I feel worse physically or emotionally. I don't even have the energy to cry.

1/1, 11:25am
Sounds like you need to go back to bed.

1/1, 11:26am
I'm still in bed

I can barely move.

1/1, 11:30am
I saw an article about a cat on Facebook that made me sad. Then I saw Scott's post about having to put his cat down this morning which made me even sadder. I'm so dehydrated though that tears are just oozing out of my face like syrup. But I'm starting to feel a little better.


1/1, 11:42am
It sucks. I really thought I would know better by now. But I guess I can't really count on myself to make good decisions when I'm already 2 sheets to the wind.


1/1, 12:01pm
Yep. You kinda set yourself up.


1/1, 12:16pm
Yeah I set myself up and I guess I've been in a bad headspace lately so I was extra vulnerable. I think the worst part was feeling like I actually had a connection with someone but realizing it was just drugs and booze. I've fallen into that trap in the past but I didn't think it could happen again. I thought I was smarter than that.

I just feel like I was so much healthier and better when I was in Vancouver. I was happier. Everything in my life kind of went downhill after/during the storm chasing trip. Having that to look forward to really gave me a sense of purpose. Since then it just feels like everything is on a slow decline.


1/1, 8:00pm
I spent most of the day recovering. I feel a little better now. But I've just been crying all day. Like every hour it just comes in waves. It feels like I just got dumped or something. Like something bad happened and I get these feelings of sadness, nostalgia and homesickness and grief.. But they aren't actually attached to an event. It's just the effects of a neurochemcial imbalance. Good times.

1/1, 8:06pm
A part of it is that.. But a part of it is just disappointment in myself. I really feel like I was done with that part of my life. It just makes me so upset because I worked so hard and I was proud of how far I've come and it feels like I'm just slipping back into my old habits. It was such a shitty way to end the year.

1/1, 8:13pm
Well clearly you have difficulty once you've already been drinking past a certain point. Perhaps you just need to put your foot down and limit yourself to no more than 2 drinks when you go out, no matter what. Getting drunk is your downfall. It would be better to quit entirely, but that would be very hard living with your dad, but it is possible. IF that's what you want.


1/1, 8:25pm
I know... This morning I was thinking maybe I should throw in the towel and go to some AA type of thing. But that would be so depressing. And I would have no support from my dad. He's always saying how people in support groups are stupid and weak and whatever. Also, they tie in religion which I'm not into.

I've just had too many of these "rock bottom" moments and I keep thinking, "this is the last time", but it never is. It's like an awful merry-go-round that I can't get off of. I just want a fucking normal life. A steady job and a boyfriend and a place to live. My friends had a low-key NYE with their boyfriends. I would way rather have a NYE like you did than go out and get wasted amongst the crowds of 20 year-old drunks. 

I'm tired of all this shit. 

I just want stability.


1/1, 9:34pm
So just for fun, I decided to look at my old LiveJournal from a decade ago when I was in Sydney for NYE. I remember that I didn't get drunk that night. I took a caffeine pill and just had a couple drinks and all the 20 year olds at the hostel took ecstasy and drank and I just didn't feel like getting that drunk. I remember "realizing" things and feeling mature and whatnot.. This is what I wrote.

" i realized.. that i think i've hit a turning point.. i think i've actually had my fill of partying.. i've had about 10 years of it... and now.. i think i'm done.. i think i just got everything out of my system.. i just needed an overload.. as soon as i go back home i just want to have my own place and keep it nice and clean.. i want to cook and learn how to drive... i just want to take conrtol of my life and just start being an adult.. "

Sound familiar? ....And the merry-go-round keeps going..

1/1, 9:36pm
Clearly the only thing that's changed in the last 10 years is my attention to punctuation and capitalization. I was very lazy with that LiveJournal because only about 3 people I knew actually read it.

1/1, 9:44pm
Okay so 10 years ago me, just fucking burned present me.

"its just funny because there are people even older than me who still like self-destructive partying like that.. like i'm sure there are people in their 30's still like that... hmm.. i guess thats why they are called losers.."

Ouch.

1/1, 10:04pm
Wow. That's gotta hit pretty hard. Time to start listening to your own advice perhaps.


1/1, 10:09pm
Yeah. I always kind of knew that I've been going in circles, but I didn't realize for how long. Now it's been 20 years. But even since high school I've always said that it's like I'm constantly chasing what I'm running away from.

Take It Somewhere

I feel like I've treated my life the same way I do when I have to get ready to go somewhere or finish something. I dick around until the last minute and then rush. Lately it feels like I have this giant clock above my head. Well, two clocks. One counting down to 35 and the other one counting down to 40. I feel panicked. It's like when I've left something to the last minute and now I have to really rush. I've procrastinated my entire life as a whole and now I only have about 5 years to really get my shit together.

At this point it's essentially 40 or bust. I have to cram 20 years of growth and maturity into 5 years so that I don't feel like I'm "behind" everyone else my age. If I'm still lost, broke, purposeless and single in 5 years then that’s pretty much it for me. My life will be half over by that point and I will have pressed the snooze button for too long and will have missed most of life’s key milestones. At 40, things like kids become a ‘now or never’ situation. Being entry-level at 40 means that I’ll be overlooked for younger people with faster minds, brighter smiles and tighter bodies. At 40 I won’t be able be to say, “Hey at least guys find me attractive” as a way to validate myself.

Things like not being able to plan meals or manage your finances are somewhat acceptable in your 20’s, funny but a little sad in your 30’s... but just tragic in your 40’s. At this point it’s literally do or die. If I don't end up committing suicide in my late 40's or early 50's then I will probably just die from poor health due to the physiological effects of depression (and alcoholism). Years of regret, self-loathing, and loneliness are not exactly good for you.

Since death is not optional, I might as well give the rest of my life a shot. We all end up in the same place and in the grand scheme of things, all of our lives are meaningless. In some ways life is just like a movie. You have to suspend your disbelief and buy into the bullshit to get any enjoyment out of it. We're just a bunch of horny, hairless primates struggling to find a way to put to use the excessive convolutions in our cerebral cortex. In the process, we've fucked over all the other species on the planet.. but anyway.. I digress. My point is, fuck it.. I'll bite. I'll participate in this whole life thing and try and make the most of what time I have left by contributing and becoming a productive member of society instead of avoiding everything that requires self-discipline, persistence, and commitment.

I suppose this is something that most people realize in adolescence. However, regardless of what I've done or not done in the past, all I can do at this point is move forward. I may have delayed getting ready for the party but I can still slap on some makeup and rush out the door.

I'm not behind in life. I'm just fashionably late.

The Trouble with Trouble

The trouble with distance and money and time.. The trouble with wind and shattered glass left behind

The trouble with smiles twisted through a broken lens.. The trouble with circular thoughts that won't end

Running off a cliff and not wanting to look down

The party is over
The house lights come on

Raindrops of reality burn..
Dissolving pleasure
The sun's rays sting as they pierce through the clouds

Feelings are wasted, but no real damage is done
The trouble with trouble... is that it starts out as fun

Nothing like a cold read on a hot day

I've always walked by that Utopia place on Lonsdale and saw the sign for a psychic reading and thought it would be funny to go in one of these days and get one..You know, just for shits and giggles. Well, I guess today was destined to be that day.

Shits there were not, but giggles.. Those hit me as soon as I walked in. I was bombarded by so much woo it was overwhelming. Crystals and incense and books with hilarious titles like "Medical Healing with your Mind -scientifically proven to work!". I had to walk around for about 5 minutes pretending to browse so that I can force a straight face and focus on maintaining my composure.

Once in the session, she quickly deciphered my personality by probably assessing my body language, tone of voice, and socio-economic status as well as using vague terminology like "smart", "witty", and "funny".

Apparently I "get" men (as in I relate to them) because in most of my past lives I was male. Ha! That's actually something I've always joked about.

She asked, "What signs are you usually attracted to?"

My first thought was, 'Wrong Way', 'Dead End', 'Danger'..

"My last two ex's were Cancers," I replied. She then told me that the problem with Cancers are that they are moody. "They weren't moody", I said, "At all."

Then of course she backtracked, "I think it makes a difference what year they are born." I'm sure it does.

I'm going to meet a Gemini who is slightly older than me and has a "good job" some time between "tomorrow and October". Awesome. Let me mark that one on my calendar.

I am also "good and bad with money". Makes perfect sense.

All in all she was a really nice lady and kind of funny. She is a smooth talker and good at what she does. I can see why it would be so easy to fall into the trap of believing this stuff. The human brain is wired to think magically; critical thinking does not come naturally and takes work. We've evolved to make connections between loosely associated facts and attach meaning where there is none. No matter how skeptical and logical I am, I found myself starting to read into her vague statements and had to pull myself out of the quicksand.

We unconsciously give away so much about ourselves in our body language that all someone has to do is "read" it and interpret it back to you and feed off of your validation.

She gave me her card in case I want to meet some of the people from my past lives.

I bet they are dead sexy.

I literally want to chase what I am running from

**This is something I drafted on December 10th, 2013 but never published it because I didn't think it was finished. I was going to lead into why I want to become a storm chaser and I'm quite sure I booked my storm chasing tour very soon after I wrote this. The title refers to something I've always said about my life; that it feels like I'm constantly chasing what I'm running from because I seem to be always going in circles and never getting anywhere**

Something happened when I went for a bike ride around the sea wall during that wind storm exactly 3 weeks ago on November 19th.

Besides catching a cold, I also caught another type of bug.

You see, I have a problem. According to my psychiatrist it's a "substance abuse" problem and I should probably be in rehab. I'm an addict, a junkie in the making. I love alcohol, I love cocaine (especially when mixed with alcohol) and I find myself craving it more these days.. even after hearing my father talk about how it ruined his life. I have dreams about it, and lately every time I get drunk I try and seek it out. I love anything that sends my dopamine and adrenaline through the roof.  Even innocuous things like food, Candy Crush, or just a good book will hijack my brain. If it's addictive, I like it. Somehow exercise is a harder one to pick up.. I guess it's kind of like smoking.. it takes effort at first. Listening to good music will also get those synapses firing.

I rounded a corner, past the Lionsgate bridge, and I felt the force of nature against my bike as I rode into the wind. At one point I had to get off and walk. Once I rounded another corner I saw people standing around taking pictures. The waves were washing up onto the seawall. They were huge and terrifying and beautiful. Something about their immensity and power made it almost sexual. I was so thrilled that I was almost shaking in fear and excitement. I recorded video and took some photos with my crappy iphone camera. I wished I had Zeus's GoPro strapped to my helmet.

Looking at the waves and standing so close to danger, it felt like I was staring death in the face; I guess also because I have a huge fear of the ocean. But like anything I'm afraid of, I'm also fascinated by it.

That feeling brought on by thinking you might die but then not dying made me realize that this was my cocaine.. my alcohol.. my Ritalin.