On January 13th I decided to change the way I ate and swore off all wheat and processed food. I still drank alcohol.. but I tried to minimize it to organic wine. I still drank Gray Goose, which I know has wheat in it so I haven't been totally perfect. After a few days of brutal withdrawal symptoms -headaches, mind fog, irritability, confusion, and obsessive sandwich fantasies- I was doing well. My appetite had gone down, my cravings vanished, I wasn't coughing in the middle of the night, the psoriasis on my scalp that I've had since I was 11 started going away, I had more energy and felt more alert. My ADHD symptoms were almost non-existent. Even the hyperactivity I usually get from alcohol went away. The mechanism behind that puzzles me though. I guess if my ADHD is exasperated by wheat and then even more so by alcohol, then maybe the wheat is behind my ADHD? It would be interesting if in the future it was determined that ADHD was in fact a side effect of a wheat allergy. ADHD is genetic, but then I think so are wheat allergies. So who knows. Anyways, I digress.
I was doing well until I got my new job. We were having an IT Open House my first week there and I managed to resist the Dad's cookies on the table. However, on February 13th, exactly a month after I started this adventure, my coworker invites me to come with her down to the new First Nations center on campus to have some cake to celebrate the center's opening. My intention was just to torture myself and watch others around me eat cake, living vicariously through them. Then I thought, "Some icing should be fine". People think caving into a craving is an impulsive act... it isn't. You plan it. I usually find myself already thinking about excuses to give in. You imagine yourself doing it even before you tell yourself you've decided that you are going to give in to the craving. It's true junkie behavior. Though I also read somewhere that by the time you consciously make any decision, you've already made it before you are even aware of it.
I grab a piece of cake, scrape off the icing and push the cake part aside. I take a bite of the icing, laced with some chocolate cake crumbs, and I get this distinct feeling of falling. For a moment I felt like I was being strapped down or trapped. Like I had gotten on a ride.. which I had of course. I had bought the ticket and got on the roller coaster. Waves of hyperactivity resonated through me as copious amounts of glucose flooded my bloodstream. By the time I got back upstairs I felt like taking a nap. I was ok though.. I felt fine and everything was under control.
Two hours later I'm at Richmond center for an appointment. I arrive early because I wanted to hang out at the Pet Habitat and play with the kittens for 20 minutes. I was looking forward to that burst of dopamine and oxytocin so much.. perhaps I was ovulating.. (fuck I really am like Mayim Bialik's character, Amy Farrah Fowler from Big Bang Theory, though thankfully I'm way more attractive). Anyways, I arrive only to find that the Pet Habitat is closed down and gone.. the big glass window dark, empty, and kittenless.
I'm filled with a rush of despair and an intense craving for sugar. I walk to Purdy's and thankfully they have my favorite flavor, raspberry cheesecake. I hesitate for a moment... cone or cup? Wheat or not? I'm already caving to processed food... should I cave to wheat too? No. I compromise with myself and order it in a cup. The cashier puts it in a cone and proceeds to hand it to me, "sorry, I said in a cup" (don't know why the hell I'm apologizing, god I'm so Canadian), "just dump it in the cup, it's fine". Just more microscopic pieces of wheat to sneak into my body. My hands are shaking as I hand her the money; it's like when you really have to go to the bathroom on your way home and just as you put the key into the door the urgency increases tenfold because your body knows it's so close to relief. I needed that ice cream so bad. I sat down on the nearest bench and devoured it like a hungry stray cat devours a saucer of milk. Calmness and serenity. All is now right with the world. The next day I ate a Dad's chocolate chip oatmeal cookie on the last day of the open house. I ate it as slow as possible.. it was like a beautiful two minute vacation. I'm quite sure my eyes glazed over as I let the crumbs slowly dissolve in my mouth.
Since then I've slowly started eating more refined sugar. The slippery slope got even oilier when I started eating gluten-free cookies -the wheataholic's methadone. My first bite of a gluten-free chocolate chip cookie felt like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a crawl space for a month. It was delicious.. and I wanted more. My work has this tradition where when someone new starts they have to buy the team donuts or some kind of treat. My manager, knowing that I don't eat wheat, suggests that I bring in some gluten-free cookies. I buy two boxes and only one made it to the office. Because of the higher sugar content of gluten-free products, they are even more addictive. I've realized that my wheat addiction was compounded by my sugar addiction.
On February 22nd I had some ice-cream cake at work. It's weird because about 10 minutes after I finished it I felt a bit dizzy and was very mildly hallucinating. I felt mentally foggy.. like when I was looking at someone I wasn't really looking at them. My focus of attention just dispersed and scattered across the room and I felt lethargic. This feeling eventually passed.
On the 25th some cupcakes snuck their way into my body. A couple hours later I felt more lethargy and brain fog.. I also felt like my chest was tightening up and to take a proper breath required conscious effort.
Sugar was the gateway drug that allowed wheat back into my life. This one guy's desk at work is covered with cookies and Halloween candy that's free for anyone to help themselves. "IT departments run on sugar" he says. Sadly there is some truth in that, especially for me since I am not super passionate about IT; I don't mind it but it doesn't really excite me. At the end of the day it's still just a job and little bursts of glucose help pass the time. I've been indulging in chocolates and ice-cream and candy for the last 3 weeks now.
Today, after eating the most wheat I have ever ingested since January 12th, I felt like I was on drugs at work. I felt like I was in a bubble or like I was under water. My thoughts were like molasses. Just before my shift ended I got really flustered trying to help this guy with the photocopier. He wanted to photocopy his drivers license so that both sides ended up on one page. I knew how to do this... but when I looked at the touch-screen on the copier I just couldn't focus or think. Like I mentioned to someone earlier, it was like trying to do algebra on acid. I just felt brain damaged. The thing is, I used to feel like this quite often; I used to call them "bad ADHD days." Since I started this job I haven't had to take any stimulant medication. I haven't had to take it in a long time...except today when I got home from work. At one point during this ordeal I tried to call the service desk and talk to someone who could help me but it kept going to voicemail -now I know how users feel. When I went back to the copier, I wasn't even sure which guy it was that I was helping.. I forgot what he looked like or just never even took note of it when he first started talking to me. Eventually we found a workaround and I apologized and said I was new and had only been there for two weeks. He said "it's ok, I'll forgive you this time." At least he took it well.
If being skinny isn't enough motivation, being able to focus and function and do well at my job should be. But like this CBC article says, the grocery store is like a battleground. Processed food is designed to be addictive. Real food is rewarding but it doesn't elicit euphoria. We eat to live; we shouldn't live to eat. Everything is about making a quick buck. At the end of the day no one gives a shit about your wellbeing... it's all about making money. The processed food industry is one giant scam.
As I sit here scratching my itchy, burning scalp.. I realize that I didn't fail. This is isn't a diet. This is a journey that will have its ups and downs and the wagon will always stop for me so that I can get back on, no matter how many times I fall off.
