Growing up I always wished I could be that well behaved, quiet kid in class. Every time I started a new school it was a new chance; a clean slate after another tarnished reputation. I always thought, "This time I'm going to behave, make friends, pay attention, not disrupt the class, finish my work on time, have nicer handwriting and not be sent to the hall or the principal's office three times a week -this time I'm going to be good". As a kid we're taught that we can only be "good" or "bad", and I was almost always a "bad" kid because I could never control my behavior. After school number 10, I gave up on this dream and eventually just embraced my hyperactivity as a part of my personality. Obviously being diagnosed with ADHD 25 years ago would have set my life on a different trajectory, but alas this is how it is and in the end I think I turned out okay.
My only problem is that I still can't control some aspects of my behavior...mainly my ability to cope with life's little setbacks and disappointments. I just fall apart/explode if things don't go the way I thought they would or should. Granted I've gotten a lot better with medication and increasing self-awareness. I'm realizing that a lot of my irritability comes from either fear or physical discomfort. I react badly to things when I am tired or hungry, and when plans suddenly change I panic because I seem to not have a sense of security; it feels like the world is spinning out of control. A lot of times it's social anxiety that manifests as anger. In the end it always boils down to fear and/or physical discomfort. Obviously something inside me broke or failed to develop some time around the age of 2. I never learned how to cope with life the way a healthy human adult is supposed to. I'm sure this is very common and many people never learn. I don't consider myself special in this regard; I'm just reflecting on myself right now.
I usually don't bother with new years resolutions because I know I never follow through with them. I already tell myself almost daily that I should get more exercise, more sleep, drink less, save money, etc. At the end of the day those things aren't at the forefront of what is important to me. I catch up on sleep and I take breaks from drinking every now and then.
I read this blog entry yesterday by Tasleem and it inspired me. I could never be that "good" kid, but I can still become a good daughter, a good girlfriend, and if it ever comes to it, a good parent. I want to be that good person; someone who doesn't swear and complain all the time and snap at loved ones because she knows she can get away with it. This article also really put things in perspective for me.
I already started this a few days ago, but I've decided that my official new years resolution is to control my emotional reactions to stress so that I can become a less selfish and more easygoing person.
