I just think it's interesting because now I'm in a totally opposite state of mind..and the things I mention about what's lacking in my life, I now have.
I posted this on myspace shortly after I wrote it, but I took out a bunch of stuff...so here is the original...
Confessions of a Dysthymic Potter Geek
I feel like this summer has really pushed me further into my depression.... though I still ask myself.. am I depressed? I know that if I had a social life, knew how to drive, had a boyfriend, maybe learned how to cook... had a good job... didn't hang out with my parents all the time... if all these things were fixed....then I probably wouldn't be depressed... the thing is... is that all these things require effort.. and the reason i think i'm depressed is probably because i don't have the energy to put in the effort for these things.... they seem daunting and scary... i feel paranoid.... like every time i walk around on the street people are judging me.... i feel horribly self conscious in most social situations... i feel like i can hear what people are thinking about me... and i'm aware of it in such a way that a person is aware of the scratchiness of a wool sweater...every time you move you feel the scraping of fabric against your skin so you just don't want to move anymore...
The Pattern
I try and think back to when it all started... and i can't really put my finger on it.... it just seems that I am always depressed for some reason or another... when i went back to school i felt like i was productive and busy....and it felt good... though i still didn't have much of a social life outside of my roommates... but i was happy hanging out with them... it was something new... I'm pretty sure i wasn't depressed because Naomi was depressed and i remember thinking that i felt fine... i would party on the weekend and regret it later... but that was really the only thing that ever brought me down... i developed a crush on one of my roommates.... it started becoming a bit obsessive... but i didn't know what to do about it... i feel horribly uncomfortable around the opposite sex.... and i knew that we didn't actually have anything in common....he was way too immature and simple minded... it was just a proximity infatuation.... and it occupied my mind in times of boredom...
after moving into this place i started doing more drugs.... tried cocaine and ketamine... i rather enjoyed ketamine at the time... i would go and party with these people....some roommates and their friends... we would stay out until day break... at which point i would start feeling ill.... and this illness wasn't just induced by the drugs and alcohol being metabolized in my body..... though that does have a lot to do with it.... because as soon as my mind would become clear... i would start feeling so bored.... people think boredom is just some mundane feeling... more like an annoyance... but it isn't... it's so much more than that... its painful... i think its the worst feeling ever imaginable.... i would look around the room and realize that these people were extremely boring.. i had nothing in common with them... and i didn't really much care for their existence in general... so i would sit there... stuck in this apartment filled with cigarette smoke coming down of shitty drugs listening to pointless conversation wishing i were at home.... this happened on many occasions... and more and more i became aware of the pattern... i would get very drunk very fast....i would totally lose myself... i would become a completely different person just so i could enjoy the company of these people whom i depended on for a social life.... after a while i realized that there is no point of even going out anymore....because i don't want to get stuck in some apartment....
so i stopped going out with Christy... i would just hang out with her on random occasions... and then one day..,. i saw here true colours and just decided that i despised her... but i still hung out with her and got drunk....because i liked her when i was drunk..... i started drinking quite often.... i was drunk for most of the month of may.... but i was exercising a lot.... i really wanted to lose weight for Toronto.... so in general i felt happy... because even though i was becoming an alcoholic to fill the void... i was losing weight... so something good was still happening.....
my crush on the roommate was starting to become grating.... i knew it was pointless... and i think that was the main reason it was driving me crazy...i just couldn't stop thinking about him... though it would wear off when i didn't see him for a few days... so it was totally related to proximity.... so i was just in this pattern... of drink, exercise, and obsess.... i would sometimes have drunk crying fits when i was with my mom... i usually have them alone.... but it had gotten so bad that i started having them with my mom present....
then finally.... sometime near the end of June... Christy said something about the roommie that i liked that upset me..she said he was interested in another girl...i think i had had a few drinks.... it was over msn... so no one saw.... but i cried my eyes out for the longest time... the next morning i found out one of my favourite professors at school died... so i cried some more... and then the bitterness just set in... i started feeling like i wasn't losing weight because of the drinking.... so i was just like...fuck it... i need to cut out the drinking... because this pattern isn't getting me anywhere...
after i cut out the booze... i realized that i don't really have much in common with the friends that i do have.,..not the roommies....but my real friends that i see on occasion ..... i just want to shut everyone away... and be alone... i figure i'm just going to face whatever it is i am trying to escape.... i'm going to sober up and deal with it... and the first realization is that i don't really want to be around people... ok that’s a start.....
Addiction Transfer
and so i begin the harry potter series all over again in preparation for the 5th movie and 7th book... I feel July will be great... I had started the philosophers stone on the way to the dentist on june 27.... after my revelation of sobering up and becoming a hermit...which was right around canada day... i decided to just immerse myself in the book.... i thought it would be such a chore to try and read the whole series over again.... but i shortly realized that it was the other way around.... it was a chore to do anything besides read harry potter.... as i delved into the second book... i felt all my troubles and cares melt away... i didn't drink.. i didn't exercise.... i didn't' sleep... all i wanted to do was read harry potter.... i just wanted to read it forever.... it didn't matter that i had no life...nothing mattered... not even making money... it felt like all the other obsessions throughout my childhood.... from vampires to the little mermaid to burning things to marilyn manson.... it was one in the same... it replaced any other thought that i had about anything else that i ever used to think about...
then one day before the harry potter marathon... i had drinks with the roommates... though i didn't let myself get very drunk... all i could think of was reading harry potter..... but i hung out with them anyway.... and it drove home the feeling of boredom even more....being pretty much sober i realized that hanging out with the roommates was totally pointless... Christy had nothing interesting to say.... and the crush on the roommate evaporated....the spell was broken.... the pattern changed for good.... i was done.... the new plan was set in motion
so the harry potter marathon and the new movie and the reading all kept me in a sort of manic state that felt neither good nor bad... it just felt... necessary... i had to keep reading.... it was all i cared about.... the only purpose i felt my life had at that point....i was dreading the 7th book coming out because then i wouldn't know what to do with myself after i finished it.... i had started a new pattern of little sleep and lots of reading... and i didn't know what to do when i was done reading... there was a point in between the 6th and 7th book where all i did was read anything on the internet that had to do with harry potter... i would stay up till 3 am at least... just like i did when i was reading... and then.... once the 7th book came out... there was bitter sweet relief... but that ended as soon as i was done.... so i just continued with reading things on the internet to compensate for the withdrawal that i was feeling.... and it was intense... i felt so despondent and bored...and bitter.... though i managed to keep the pattern of staying up really late reading harry potter related articles and forums..... and then... i became hooked on a fanfiction story that almost fully satisfied my need..... i would read that late into the night.... i started becoming zombielike from the lack of sleep and healthy food... i would barely exercise.... i just didn't care about weight loss anymore....
When the 7th month dies
then one night.. i decided to drink a little rum and finish off the last few chapters of that fanfiction story... i went to bed sometime after 3 as usual... though this time i had to wake up to meet with someone in a lab to watch her inject baby rats and talk about volunteer work.... i woke up at 9:30 feeling extremely nauseous.... and thirsty... my urine was the colour of the rum i drank.... i felt pretty bad considering that i only had a few sips from that micky.... i went on... feeling slightly ill... i got to the lab...changed into scrubs.... and proceeded to watch the baby rats.... the place had a very hospital like feel to it... everything was sterile and chrome... the room where the rats were kept had a sickly smell.. all of this wasn't helping the nausea... then suddenly i was overcome by a wave of thirst... i felt like i would die if i didn't drink some water.....i looked around and didn't see anything except a tap at the other end of the room.... then i felt dizzy and more queasy... so i sit down on a chrome chair with my head in my hands.... I hear a rush of voices sing in the distance... i'm dreaming again.... but now i am waking up.... i open my eyes and see white with specks of red....i'm on the floor.....but what floor?... where am i?... why am i bleeding?... i think that i am dying.... and then it all comes back to me and i realize that i just fainted.... i am carted off to the school clinic...administered some tests... and sent home..... i drink a lot of water... my nose is bruised... i find out that i got this apartment that i wanted..... but instead of feeling happy i feel scared because of the change.... i order pizza and cinnamon sticks to quell the painful void and the feeling that my life is spinning out of control....happy birthday harry potter
It's August, I go to Toronto... i have fun because it distracts me.... i decide to go to shambhala... even though i had previously decided against it because i had no money and realized i didn't like Christy.... but i felt like all i was doing was hanging out with my parents... and i thought it might be healthy to be with people my own age... i do a lot of drugs.. even though i don't really have the urge to... but i feel like it helps me cope... i realize once i'm there that i don't want to be there... i am thoroughly bored with the people i am with because none of them are actually my friends... and once again... i cannot relate to them or have anything in common with them.... i realize that at least if i am high and drunk then i have a few hours of being happy...even though i pay the price of feeling the opposite when i come down... though it still seems better than a steady stream of boredom.... the first night i laid there in my tent coming down of a mixture of cocaine, mushrooms, ephedra, ketamine, and alcohol...... i felt trapped... i had no contact with the outside world....i felt so alone that it was suffocating... i felt like i would die from the pain i felt... i just couldn't take it.... and then... i guess i must have fallen asleep.... but some time later i opened my eyes and i panicked.... i didn't know where i was....and then it slowly came back... Christy... i was with Christy... but what was i doing with her? .... i was at shambhala.... and then it all came back... i wonder if i had fainted again....
the next day i have a fun time at the river...doing a mixture of the same drugs.. though this time i eat a huge mushroom cap... i feel really good... i feel the vibe all around me... i have this hippy moment where i feel connected with the world and i just want to let go of all my inhibitions... i analyze everyone... i realize that i'm really smart and that i should become a writer...this realization happens often when i'm really high.... though what the hell i should write about is beyond me... i sit in a purple porto potty... and the walls are a stream of colour and i think of that picture of Albert Hoffman sitting in his house overlooking a cliff.. and the walls are psychedelic as well as the sky.... that’s how i feel in the porto potty.... i feel like him...overlooking the world... i feel totally alive and one with the universe all vibrating... and just..being....i am so aware of how alive i am... when i sit by the river i see the sky and trees melting together... this is it...the trip i always wanted.... i had always planned to take a big mushroom trip like this.... though i don't think it was the right day for it....
"The acid had shifted gears on him; the next phase would probably be one of those hellishly intense introspective nightmares. Four hours or so of catatonic despair" - Fear and Loathing inLas Vegas
The Pattern
I try and think back to when it all started... and i can't really put my finger on it.... it just seems that I am always depressed for some reason or another... when i went back to school i felt like i was productive and busy....and it felt good... though i still didn't have much of a social life outside of my roommates... but i was happy hanging out with them... it was something new... I'm pretty sure i wasn't depressed because Naomi was depressed and i remember thinking that i felt fine... i would party on the weekend and regret it later... but that was really the only thing that ever brought me down... i developed a crush on one of my roommates.... it started becoming a bit obsessive... but i didn't know what to do about it... i feel horribly uncomfortable around the opposite sex.... and i knew that we didn't actually have anything in common....he was way too immature and simple minded... it was just a proximity infatuation.... and it occupied my mind in times of boredom...
after moving into this place i started doing more drugs.... tried cocaine and ketamine... i rather enjoyed ketamine at the time... i would go and party with these people....some roommates and their friends... we would stay out until day break... at which point i would start feeling ill.... and this illness wasn't just induced by the drugs and alcohol being metabolized in my body..... though that does have a lot to do with it.... because as soon as my mind would become clear... i would start feeling so bored.... people think boredom is just some mundane feeling... more like an annoyance... but it isn't... it's so much more than that... its painful... i think its the worst feeling ever imaginable.... i would look around the room and realize that these people were extremely boring.. i had nothing in common with them... and i didn't really much care for their existence in general... so i would sit there... stuck in this apartment filled with cigarette smoke coming down of shitty drugs listening to pointless conversation wishing i were at home.... this happened on many occasions... and more and more i became aware of the pattern... i would get very drunk very fast....i would totally lose myself... i would become a completely different person just so i could enjoy the company of these people whom i depended on for a social life.... after a while i realized that there is no point of even going out anymore....because i don't want to get stuck in some apartment....
so i stopped going out with Christy... i would just hang out with her on random occasions... and then one day..,. i saw here true colours and just decided that i despised her... but i still hung out with her and got drunk....because i liked her when i was drunk..... i started drinking quite often.... i was drunk for most of the month of may.... but i was exercising a lot.... i really wanted to lose weight for Toronto.... so in general i felt happy... because even though i was becoming an alcoholic to fill the void... i was losing weight... so something good was still happening.....
my crush on the roommate was starting to become grating.... i knew it was pointless... and i think that was the main reason it was driving me crazy...i just couldn't stop thinking about him... though it would wear off when i didn't see him for a few days... so it was totally related to proximity.... so i was just in this pattern... of drink, exercise, and obsess.... i would sometimes have drunk crying fits when i was with my mom... i usually have them alone.... but it had gotten so bad that i started having them with my mom present....
then finally.... sometime near the end of June... Christy said something about the roommie that i liked that upset me..she said he was interested in another girl...i think i had had a few drinks.... it was over msn... so no one saw.... but i cried my eyes out for the longest time... the next morning i found out one of my favourite professors at school died... so i cried some more... and then the bitterness just set in... i started feeling like i wasn't losing weight because of the drinking.... so i was just like...fuck it... i need to cut out the drinking... because this pattern isn't getting me anywhere...
after i cut out the booze... i realized that i don't really have much in common with the friends that i do have.,..not the roommies....but my real friends that i see on occasion ..... i just want to shut everyone away... and be alone... i figure i'm just going to face whatever it is i am trying to escape.... i'm going to sober up and deal with it... and the first realization is that i don't really want to be around people... ok that’s a start.....
Addiction Transfer
and so i begin the harry potter series all over again in preparation for the 5th movie and 7th book... I feel July will be great... I had started the philosophers stone on the way to the dentist on june 27.... after my revelation of sobering up and becoming a hermit...which was right around canada day... i decided to just immerse myself in the book.... i thought it would be such a chore to try and read the whole series over again.... but i shortly realized that it was the other way around.... it was a chore to do anything besides read harry potter.... as i delved into the second book... i felt all my troubles and cares melt away... i didn't drink.. i didn't exercise.... i didn't' sleep... all i wanted to do was read harry potter.... i just wanted to read it forever.... it didn't matter that i had no life...nothing mattered... not even making money... it felt like all the other obsessions throughout my childhood.... from vampires to the little mermaid to burning things to marilyn manson.... it was one in the same... it replaced any other thought that i had about anything else that i ever used to think about...
then one day before the harry potter marathon... i had drinks with the roommates... though i didn't let myself get very drunk... all i could think of was reading harry potter..... but i hung out with them anyway.... and it drove home the feeling of boredom even more....being pretty much sober i realized that hanging out with the roommates was totally pointless... Christy had nothing interesting to say.... and the crush on the roommate evaporated....the spell was broken.... the pattern changed for good.... i was done.... the new plan was set in motion
so the harry potter marathon and the new movie and the reading all kept me in a sort of manic state that felt neither good nor bad... it just felt... necessary... i had to keep reading.... it was all i cared about.... the only purpose i felt my life had at that point....i was dreading the 7th book coming out because then i wouldn't know what to do with myself after i finished it.... i had started a new pattern of little sleep and lots of reading... and i didn't know what to do when i was done reading... there was a point in between the 6th and 7th book where all i did was read anything on the internet that had to do with harry potter... i would stay up till 3 am at least... just like i did when i was reading... and then.... once the 7th book came out... there was bitter sweet relief... but that ended as soon as i was done.... so i just continued with reading things on the internet to compensate for the withdrawal that i was feeling.... and it was intense... i felt so despondent and bored...and bitter.... though i managed to keep the pattern of staying up really late reading harry potter related articles and forums..... and then... i became hooked on a fanfiction story that almost fully satisfied my need..... i would read that late into the night.... i started becoming zombielike from the lack of sleep and healthy food... i would barely exercise.... i just didn't care about weight loss anymore....
When the 7th month dies
then one night.. i decided to drink a little rum and finish off the last few chapters of that fanfiction story... i went to bed sometime after 3 as usual... though this time i had to wake up to meet with someone in a lab to watch her inject baby rats and talk about volunteer work.... i woke up at 9:30 feeling extremely nauseous.... and thirsty... my urine was the colour of the rum i drank.... i felt pretty bad considering that i only had a few sips from that micky.... i went on... feeling slightly ill... i got to the lab...changed into scrubs.... and proceeded to watch the baby rats.... the place had a very hospital like feel to it... everything was sterile and chrome... the room where the rats were kept had a sickly smell.. all of this wasn't helping the nausea... then suddenly i was overcome by a wave of thirst... i felt like i would die if i didn't drink some water.....i looked around and didn't see anything except a tap at the other end of the room.... then i felt dizzy and more queasy... so i sit down on a chrome chair with my head in my hands.... I hear a rush of voices sing in the distance... i'm dreaming again.... but now i am waking up.... i open my eyes and see white with specks of red....i'm on the floor.....but what floor?... where am i?... why am i bleeding?... i think that i am dying.... and then it all comes back to me and i realize that i just fainted.... i am carted off to the school clinic...administered some tests... and sent home..... i drink a lot of water... my nose is bruised... i find out that i got this apartment that i wanted..... but instead of feeling happy i feel scared because of the change.... i order pizza and cinnamon sticks to quell the painful void and the feeling that my life is spinning out of control....happy birthday harry potter
It's August, I go to Toronto... i have fun because it distracts me.... i decide to go to shambhala... even though i had previously decided against it because i had no money and realized i didn't like Christy.... but i felt like all i was doing was hanging out with my parents... and i thought it might be healthy to be with people my own age... i do a lot of drugs.. even though i don't really have the urge to... but i feel like it helps me cope... i realize once i'm there that i don't want to be there... i am thoroughly bored with the people i am with because none of them are actually my friends... and once again... i cannot relate to them or have anything in common with them.... i realize that at least if i am high and drunk then i have a few hours of being happy...even though i pay the price of feeling the opposite when i come down... though it still seems better than a steady stream of boredom.... the first night i laid there in my tent coming down of a mixture of cocaine, mushrooms, ephedra, ketamine, and alcohol...... i felt trapped... i had no contact with the outside world....i felt so alone that it was suffocating... i felt like i would die from the pain i felt... i just couldn't take it.... and then... i guess i must have fallen asleep.... but some time later i opened my eyes and i panicked.... i didn't know where i was....and then it slowly came back... Christy... i was with Christy... but what was i doing with her? .... i was at shambhala.... and then it all came back... i wonder if i had fainted again....
the next day i have a fun time at the river...doing a mixture of the same drugs.. though this time i eat a huge mushroom cap... i feel really good... i feel the vibe all around me... i have this hippy moment where i feel connected with the world and i just want to let go of all my inhibitions... i analyze everyone... i realize that i'm really smart and that i should become a writer...this realization happens often when i'm really high.... though what the hell i should write about is beyond me... i sit in a purple porto potty... and the walls are a stream of colour and i think of that picture of Albert Hoffman sitting in his house overlooking a cliff.. and the walls are psychedelic as well as the sky.... that’s how i feel in the porto potty.... i feel like him...overlooking the world... i feel totally alive and one with the universe all vibrating... and just..being....i am so aware of how alive i am... when i sit by the river i see the sky and trees melting together... this is it...the trip i always wanted.... i had always planned to take a big mushroom trip like this.... though i don't think it was the right day for it....
"The acid had shifted gears on him; the next phase would probably be one of those hellishly intense introspective nightmares. Four hours or so of catatonic despair" - Fear and Loathing in
I started coming down... and i felt a bit panicky and sick... i felt like i was trapped in my body.... like it was some empty vessel floating away in space and all i could do was silently scream as everyone around me talked and had fun.... i was hugging this 2 litre bottle of soda water because i felt dehydrated and was scared i might faint again.... i sat in the chair not talking for about 2 hours.... i kept feeling dizzy and a bit nauseous.... i thought of maybe just puking into the river.... but it would be so gross... it was a shallow slow moving river.... and there were people sitting in it.... i knew i didn't feel able enough to move somewhere else to puke..... i just continued to sit there.... i was glad about the sunglasses and hat because i felt my eyes rolling to the back of my head... and i didn't want to scare anyone.... i felt like i was going to faint.... but i just kept drinking the soda water... eventually i had come down enough to start being a bit social again... but it was a such a facade... more so than when i was sober.... walking back to the campsite... all i wanted to do was go home.... i felt so homesick... like a kid at summer camp..... all i could think of was my mom... i kept getting flashbacks of Toronto... wishing i was there again....with my family...with my mom... i got into my tent and just curled up and hugged my hello kitty pillow... i just silently cried for about 45 minutes... i finally felt numb.... so i went back out and was a bit social again.... like the night before i went to bed early... though this time i didn't get up and wander around alone like i did the first night. the last day i hung out at the river again.. i didn't do as many drugs... i did drink a bit... i slept for a bit... and then i went out at night alone... and had fun....
and now we come to today.... August 14th 2007... it's been one year exactly since i've had sex.... its2pm .. i'm still in my pajamas.... i have a bunch of things i need to get done but don't see how i will actually end up doing any of them.... i still haven't eaten anything yet.... there are 2 weeks left of summer... i feel it all coming to an end.... but an end usually means a beginning of something new... i'm almost finished "prozac nation" ...its already overdue... at first i didn't think i related to elizabeth wurtzel... but as i read on i saw quite a bit of similarities in the thinking patterns.... and it makes me wonder... what do i do at this point... see a counsellor? try and get some medication? maybe i should just try and get a life first... maybe that will help... but with life comes certain events that require coping.... with life comes dealing with people... but how do you deal with people when you feel like the dirt on their shoe? when all you want to do is hide in your room and read harry potter fanfiction and eat pizza..... my self esteem is non-existent... the thought of meeting a guy is something completely from a different world... i almost feel like a child.... like when i grow up i will meet guys... when i grow up i will learn to drive, to cook, to have a life..... when i grow up....when i start school....when i finish school...when i'm 27.....when i'm 30....when i'm 45...
when i'm dead
and now we come to today.... August 14th 2007... it's been one year exactly since i've had sex.... its
when i'm dead
