Okay 2013.. Let's do this.

Growing up I always wished I could be that well behaved, quiet kid in class. Every time I started a new school it was a new chance; a clean slate after another tarnished reputation. I always thought, "This time I'm going to behave, make friends, pay attention, not disrupt the class, finish my work on time, have nicer handwriting and not be sent to the hall or the principal's office three times a week -this time I'm going to be good". As a kid we're taught that we can only be "good" or "bad", and I was almost always a "bad" kid because I could never control my behavior. After school number 10, I gave up on this dream and eventually just embraced my hyperactivity as a part of my personality. Obviously being diagnosed with ADHD 25 years ago would have set my life on a different trajectory, but alas this is how it is and in the end I think I turned out okay.

My only problem is that I still can't control some aspects of my behavior...mainly my ability to cope with life's little setbacks and disappointments. I just fall apart/explode if things don't go the way I thought they would or should. Granted I've gotten a lot better with medication and increasing self-awareness. I'm realizing that a lot of my irritability comes from either fear or physical discomfort. I react badly to things when I am tired or hungry, and when plans suddenly change I panic because I seem to not have a sense of security; it feels like the world is spinning out of control. A lot of times it's social anxiety that manifests as anger. In the end it always boils down to fear and/or physical discomfort. Obviously something inside me broke or failed to develop some time around the age of 2. I never learned how to cope with life the way a healthy human adult is supposed to. I'm sure this is very common and many people never learn. I don't consider myself special in this regard; I'm just reflecting on myself right now.

I usually don't bother with new years resolutions because I know I never follow through with them. I already tell myself almost daily that I should get more exercise, more sleep, drink less, save money, etc. At the end of the day those things aren't at the forefront of what is important to me. I catch up on sleep and I take breaks from drinking every now and then.


I read this blog entry yesterday by Tasleem and it inspired me. I could never be that "good" kid, but I can still become a good daughter, a good girlfriend, and if it ever comes to it, a good parent. I want to be that good person; someone who doesn't swear and complain all the time and snap at loved ones because she knows she can get away with it. This article also really put things in perspective for me.

I already started this a few days ago, but I've decided that my official new years resolution is to control my emotional reactions to stress so that I can become a less selfish and more easygoing person.

Art is Dead

I've realized that I need to be creative in order to be happy.

Our lives as human beings are inherently meaningless. Being creative gives you a feeling of uniqueness and sense of importance, as if you've done something meaningful and have contributed to the world. Even if no one sees or acknowledges your creation.

There are over 7 billion reasons why originality is dead. Doing any sort of art for the sake of anything other than for the pleasure of being creative will only lead to disappointment. Now that I've decided I want to focus on writing, I've found that seeing so many people out there with blogs, websites, and columns is really discouraging.

Last night at the open mic I went to with Zeus, over half of the performers did covers. It made me sad to see that people are so desperate to be recognized and heard that they will just replicate something that's already popular. Or maybe my pessimistic, overly emotional, wine and vodka soaked brain was reading too much into it. Perhaps they just don't know how to write music but enjoy playing it. Either way, I realized that there are so many fighting over a piece of the pie that even if I get my share I will only have a crumb, barely visible to the naked eye.

Fuck the pie.

Time is My Money

So it looks like I'll be transferring to the Technical Web Design program that starts in January. It's apparently not as challenging and it's set up so that you do most of your work in class and rarely have homework. Perfect. You know.. there is a small chance that perhaps if it weren't for the drinking, drugs, concerts, parties and staying up late -I might have had less difficulty with school. Haha! But seriously, if I can't do it high/drunk/hungover/tired, then I can't do it at all. Because at any given time I am most likely one or more of these things, so unless I am extremely passionate about what I'm doing, I need an education/profession that doesn't demand too much of my spare time and/or attention.

Now, you may think this sounds like the musings of a lazy, middle-class, hedonistic wannabe-socialite slacker... and quite honestly, that might be an accurate assumption. I get bored easily and my social life has always taken precedence over my responsibilities.

I think life is meant to be enjoyed. Chronic stress is unhealthy. I don't have that "drive to succeed" that we're fed to believe that we're supposed to have in order to qualify as functional adults and productive members of society. Sure, I like money as much as the next person, but no money is worth my happiness and sense of well-being. After my health, family and friends, I value my free time the most.

Besides working 11 hours a week at BCIT, I have no other obligations until January 14th.

Jackpot.