Rising Above

I’m kind of at a crossroads. Should I just get a random job and focus on storm chasing? Or should I focus on contributing something to science? It seems like a recurring theme, especially in the last three years, has been wanting to go to grad school to study neuroscience or pharmacology. I keep coming to this conclusion and then getting distracted by something. Whether it’s a relationship, vacation or new obsession. It always comes back to this though. I was at this point three years ago.. but I was absorbed with Zeus and partying and then went on a trip to Mexico and then more partying and then I was off work and still more partying and then I thought I wanted to get into videography, then I booked my storm chasing trip, then I got another IT job, broke up with Zeus, decided I wanted to contribute to science and go to grad school, started upgrading some science courses, got distracted with Zeus and partying again and moving back home. Then I actually went storm chasing. Got off drugs, became obsessed with storm chasing and spent a whole year preparing for that trip as if it was my sole purpose in life. Then I broke my ankle, decided to get into post production, quit drinking, and then quit school. And now I feel like I’m back to where I was two years ago. I'm left wondering if the past two years was just a huge distraction. I guess it was more of a necessary detour. I've improved so much in the last two years. I guess it truly is a winding road.

In some ways I feel like I’ve known all along what I’ve wanted to do.. but something always distracted or discouraged me. Especially with a complicated multi-step goal like grad school, it’s super hard to follow through. And it was impossible when I was constantly drinking and partying and in dire need of therapy and guidance. I can clearly see my ADHD patterns now.

Eventually, I have to pick something and stick with it. Because picking nothing is still a choice. I don’t know exactly what I want to do.. but I feel like, before I die, I want to contribute something to science. I want my name on a peer reviewed study. I want to die knowing that I contributed something to the scientific community. I don’t care about making babies or getting married. None of that shit matters. Science is the only thing moving humanity forward. I feel like I can offer more to the world than merely just adding more people to it. I’d rather immortalize my name than my genes. My brother already had two kids. My genes will be passed down in some form or another. But at the end of the day, that doesn't even matter. Passing on genes is just a biological instinct that can be overcome, like the urge to rape people or wanting to take a shit on the floor. 

I love storm chasing. However, I can't derive a deeper purpose as far as making the world a better place with it (or an income). I've realized that storm chasing and nature/weather photography is something I do for myself to feel at peace and feel connected. It's a true hobby. In some ways, it's almost a "spiritual" thing where I need to do it to feel balanced, alive, and present. I also enjoy the sense of community with other chasers and the adventure.  

Storm chasing is what I'm taking in from the world. Devoting myself to science is a way for me to give back.