Day 1/365

December 31st, 2015

12/31, 10:40pm
So. I got really drunk. Did a couple lines of coke. Felt amazing. Then really wanted to die. Now I'm done and I just want to go home. I think I'm leaving soon. I hate everyone and everything.

12/31, 10:40pm
Wow. What a flip.

12/31, 10:41pm
Yeah.

I hate this fucking music. I'm so sick of this death metal garbage.

I already barfed a little in the bathroom earlier.

I just grabbed the rest of my sparkling wine and put it in my bag.

12/31, 10:42pm
Sounds like you overdid it too early.

12/31, 10:42pm
I kind of feel like leaving
I'm going to spend midnight on the fucking subway
It's fitting. My year was shit anyway

12/31, 10:43pm
Walk over to Nathan Phillips Square.
Get some fresh air.

12/31, 10:44pm
I suppose that's the plan. I guess I'll wait until we do that.
I just have no urge to be social.
I just feel like ringing in the new year alone. I hate everyone.
Garbage in, garbage out. That's literally the product of my parents.
Doing coke when you are depressed is literally the best/worst idea ever.

January 1st, 2016

1/1, 1:28am
I went to Nathan Phillips Square. It was okay. I don't know. I kind of feel like this whole NYE thing is a bunch of over-rated crap. I totally thought I had chemistry with Ryan's friend Allen. Nope.. I was just high. He had drugs. I knew he had drugs. I went up to him and asked him for drugs. We went into the bathroom and did drugs. Twice. Then we had good conversation.

I totally feel like I just relapsed into two years ago. I really felt like I had changed. I guess I haven't. Some people are just born shit and they die shit. I guess I just need to accept that and stop fighting it.

1/1, 10:27am
The walls are bending all over the place I'm so fucked up and dizzy. I feel like a splattered shit stain. I can't tell if I feel worse physically or emotionally. I don't even have the energy to cry.

1/1, 11:25am
Sounds like you need to go back to bed.

1/1, 11:26am
I'm still in bed

I can barely move.

1/1, 11:30am
I saw an article about a cat on Facebook that made me sad. Then I saw Scott's post about having to put his cat down this morning which made me even sadder. I'm so dehydrated though that tears are just oozing out of my face like syrup. But I'm starting to feel a little better.


1/1, 11:42am
It sucks. I really thought I would know better by now. But I guess I can't really count on myself to make good decisions when I'm already 2 sheets to the wind.


1/1, 12:01pm
Yep. You kinda set yourself up.


1/1, 12:16pm
Yeah I set myself up and I guess I've been in a bad headspace lately so I was extra vulnerable. I think the worst part was feeling like I actually had a connection with someone but realizing it was just drugs and booze. I've fallen into that trap in the past but I didn't think it could happen again. I thought I was smarter than that.

I just feel like I was so much healthier and better when I was in Vancouver. I was happier. Everything in my life kind of went downhill after/during the storm chasing trip. Having that to look forward to really gave me a sense of purpose. Since then it just feels like everything is on a slow decline.


1/1, 8:00pm
I spent most of the day recovering. I feel a little better now. But I've just been crying all day. Like every hour it just comes in waves. It feels like I just got dumped or something. Like something bad happened and I get these feelings of sadness, nostalgia and homesickness and grief.. But they aren't actually attached to an event. It's just the effects of a neurochemcial imbalance. Good times.

1/1, 8:06pm
A part of it is that.. But a part of it is just disappointment in myself. I really feel like I was done with that part of my life. It just makes me so upset because I worked so hard and I was proud of how far I've come and it feels like I'm just slipping back into my old habits. It was such a shitty way to end the year.

1/1, 8:13pm
Well clearly you have difficulty once you've already been drinking past a certain point. Perhaps you just need to put your foot down and limit yourself to no more than 2 drinks when you go out, no matter what. Getting drunk is your downfall. It would be better to quit entirely, but that would be very hard living with your dad, but it is possible. IF that's what you want.


1/1, 8:25pm
I know... This morning I was thinking maybe I should throw in the towel and go to some AA type of thing. But that would be so depressing. And I would have no support from my dad. He's always saying how people in support groups are stupid and weak and whatever. Also, they tie in religion which I'm not into.

I've just had too many of these "rock bottom" moments and I keep thinking, "this is the last time", but it never is. It's like an awful merry-go-round that I can't get off of. I just want a fucking normal life. A steady job and a boyfriend and a place to live. My friends had a low-key NYE with their boyfriends. I would way rather have a NYE like you did than go out and get wasted amongst the crowds of 20 year-old drunks. 

I'm tired of all this shit. 

I just want stability.


1/1, 9:34pm
So just for fun, I decided to look at my old LiveJournal from a decade ago when I was in Sydney for NYE. I remember that I didn't get drunk that night. I took a caffeine pill and just had a couple drinks and all the 20 year olds at the hostel took ecstasy and drank and I just didn't feel like getting that drunk. I remember "realizing" things and feeling mature and whatnot.. This is what I wrote.

" i realized.. that i think i've hit a turning point.. i think i've actually had my fill of partying.. i've had about 10 years of it... and now.. i think i'm done.. i think i just got everything out of my system.. i just needed an overload.. as soon as i go back home i just want to have my own place and keep it nice and clean.. i want to cook and learn how to drive... i just want to take conrtol of my life and just start being an adult.. "

Sound familiar? ....And the merry-go-round keeps going..

1/1, 9:36pm
Clearly the only thing that's changed in the last 10 years is my attention to punctuation and capitalization. I was very lazy with that LiveJournal because only about 3 people I knew actually read it.

1/1, 9:44pm
Okay so 10 years ago me, just fucking burned present me.

"its just funny because there are people even older than me who still like self-destructive partying like that.. like i'm sure there are people in their 30's still like that... hmm.. i guess thats why they are called losers.."

Ouch.

1/1, 10:04pm
Wow. That's gotta hit pretty hard. Time to start listening to your own advice perhaps.


1/1, 10:09pm
Yeah. I always kind of knew that I've been going in circles, but I didn't realize for how long. Now it's been 20 years. But even since high school I've always said that it's like I'm constantly chasing what I'm running away from.