I literally want to chase what I am running from

**This is something I drafted on December 10th, 2013 but never published it because I didn't think it was finished. I was going to lead into why I want to become a storm chaser and I'm quite sure I booked my storm chasing tour very soon after I wrote this. The title refers to something I've always said about my life; that it feels like I'm constantly chasing what I'm running from because I seem to be always going in circles and never getting anywhere**

Something happened when I went for a bike ride around the sea wall during that wind storm exactly 3 weeks ago on November 19th.

Besides catching a cold, I also caught another type of bug.

You see, I have a problem. According to my psychiatrist it's a "substance abuse" problem and I should probably be in rehab. I'm an addict, a junkie in the making. I love alcohol, I love cocaine (especially when mixed with alcohol) and I find myself craving it more these days.. even after hearing my father talk about how it ruined his life. I have dreams about it, and lately every time I get drunk I try and seek it out. I love anything that sends my dopamine and adrenaline through the roof.  Even innocuous things like food, Candy Crush, or just a good book will hijack my brain. If it's addictive, I like it. Somehow exercise is a harder one to pick up.. I guess it's kind of like smoking.. it takes effort at first. Listening to good music will also get those synapses firing.

I rounded a corner, past the Lionsgate bridge, and I felt the force of nature against my bike as I rode into the wind. At one point I had to get off and walk. Once I rounded another corner I saw people standing around taking pictures. The waves were washing up onto the seawall. They were huge and terrifying and beautiful. Something about their immensity and power made it almost sexual. I was so thrilled that I was almost shaking in fear and excitement. I recorded video and took some photos with my crappy iphone camera. I wished I had Zeus's GoPro strapped to my helmet.

Looking at the waves and standing so close to danger, it felt like I was staring death in the face; I guess also because I have a huge fear of the ocean. But like anything I'm afraid of, I'm also fascinated by it.

That feeling brought on by thinking you might die but then not dying made me realize that this was my cocaine.. my alcohol.. my Ritalin.